Life & Painting-Dealing with feeling like, ‘I’ve made the wrong choice.’

And so it goes. The feelings that, I’ve made the wrong choice, or that, I’ve ruined something, rear their ugly heads all too often.

My approach to painting mimics what I work on as my approach to life, though painting can be easier to implement my intuitive strategies and learn the necessary lessons along the way, the parallel helps me see things better on my life path about what is going on within myself.

What has come to the surface about feeling wrong, feeling I made the wrong choice and that I ruined something is with a painting I am working on and had thought finished until I hung it on my wall. Then after seeing it I thought…”3 dots. It needs 3 dots in the top left hand corner where there is a solid block of color. Better to break it up and add some interest there. Though I do love that large block of color and I’m not sure I want to disturb it. It speaks volumes as it is. Pish posh, don’t let fear stop you. Try it and see!”

Because the painting process for me is about not letting fear dictate my actions in a painting, this is of the utmost importance to me. This process is what I try my best to mimic in life. It’s not always easy in painting and in life I definitely keep learning the lesson that I’m not always allowing this process and my fears get in my way.

So, the three dots. There we go. Ahhhh. (long sigh) Let’s step back and look at the beauty and wonder and…ahhhh shit! I hate it. I just ugh bahhhh it’s noooo I really don’t like it. Boo. NO NO NO. It was supposed to be the right thing to do. It was suppose to be the right choice!!! Now I’ve gone and ruined it!



Now what. Now I sit with these feelings of discomfort and thoughts of displeasure. Because the thing about intuition which I’ve also stated in my Soul Painting post is that, Intuition is not here for us to have a beautiful outcome, it’s here for us to have a beautiful journey; and not every step of that journey is going to feel wonderful or comfortable, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time and THAT is following you’re intuitive guidance. The right thing isn’t always the easy thing, it isn’t always the amazing thing, it isn’t always the comfortable thing, but you can feel within your soul that it IS the next step; and once you get that message, may you have the courage to take it.

And so there you are. There I am. I did this thing that felt right at the time and I’m now here battling feelings that it was the total wrong decision, a grave mistake, a bad turn, how could I have let it happen, how could I let myself think that adding 3 dots (or implant any life event you think went wrong here) was the right thing to do!!!

But it was. Because it was. Because that’s the step I took based off what I connected to in that moment and leapt without fear. Even still, that intuitive action does not guarantee comfort or ease or a beautiful end result to a painting. Sometimes there’s more steps. We just can’t see them yet. Because we can only act from one to another, one at a time. Like a frog on a lily pad. The leaps that feel good are the same as the ones that feel bad. It just doesn’t always feel that way because of what our minds tell us.

The thoughts that our minds tell us. Judgements. That feeling uncomfortable is ‘bad’ or wrong, instead of part of the whole of life experience and all is okay. Instead of acceptance and letting the feelings come and go and rolling along into the next moment of, now what, we dwell and torture ourselves in making the wrong choice and wishing we could go back and change that choice, those 3 dots. Change the canvas back to what it was, but we cannot.

Instead of seeing that my perceived problem, the thing I feel wrong about isn’t actually my problem at all. It’s not the canvas, it’s not out there, it’s not the situation or the circumstance that is causing this mental suffering….it’s actually my mind that is causing the suffering and it’s insistent judgement and inner chatter that’s making me feel bad about the situation. Making me feel bad about the 3 dots. Haha. 3 dots. Literally, which seems ridiculous to say but there it is, causing me to suffer because of my judgment about them. Instead of accepting that step and deciding on the next. Naturally flowing into it. Allowing all to be. I sit and suffer.

But, the chatter won’t stop. No, because that’s what minds do. So, I ask the Divine to allow me to become better and better each day at recognizing what my mind is doing, it’s so tricky that one, and stepping back from it and not letting that control my feelings or actions. Seems so simple when I write it, but it is anything but.

Though with all my heart, I will try my best, to allow my mind to make it’s thoughts and judgements and then challenge whether those are real. Did I really ruin it? Who’s saying that? Why am I listening to that? Was I really wrong? How do I know I’m wrong? A voice told me in my head? A voice of someone else in the world told me? A voice that’s coming with all their own judgments? Why am I listening to that?

Why am I listening to that? These words and judgements may be on repeat in my head but it doesn’t make them true. nor does it mean I have to listen to them. If I started to tell myself that, dogs are purple, over and over and over again it would seem so non sensical that I would probably never start believing it, but if I were to tell myself, I made the wrong choice, over and over and over it can seem so believable that I start having feelings of sadness, anxiety, worry, overwhelm and become very uncomfortable about the canvas or situation in front of me. Then my actions will be based off these thoughts and feelings, fears and worries, and I may try to hurriedly cover up the 3 dots and dispose of the ‘bad thing’.

But, if I could allow myself to create space from those thoughts that, I made the wrong choice, and just looked at that canvas the same as whether I liked what happened or felt neutral about what happened then I can just be in that moment and decide the next step from there; because all things are neutral and impersonal until we make them differently within our minds with our thoughts.

So, I can decide to not let the canvas, the outside situation, dictate my thoughts, feelings or actions. I can accept what has been created and continue on to create the next step along this messy, uncomfortable, beautiful journey. This, at least, is what I will strive to do.

And so it is.

From my heart to yours,

Lauren

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