Today God-the Divine I felt like I really needed help getting grounded and feeling safe. My anxiety went up yesterday and like always my body feels so tense and tight, my chest is buzzing, my throat is tight and I had trouble quieting all the thoughts whirling in my head. Some thoughts were helpful as they told me things I had forgotten to do at work, so I wrote them down, yet while I’m lying in bed trying to sleep isn’t my favorite time to experience these things as I know they keep me from falling peacefully to sleep. I’m trying to accept this today Divine source. Accept and not judge it, but it feels hard because I want it changed so badly. It’s so uncomfortable and I don’t want to experience discomfort. Thought that seems silly because there’s no way that that would ever come true. Life is uncomfortable at times by its very nature. I know that and yet still I fight against in not wanting to experience such things.
I’d like to get to a place where these self induced body sensations and thought loops don’t effect me or my sleep. I don’t know if that’ll ever happen and I do know that learning to live with what life hands you, dealing with my own emotions and sensations instead of trying to change life leads to a fuller life because the struggle or the suffering as buddha says is in our perception of the way things are not actually how they are because everything is impersonal and neutral.
But ugh. These feelings suck. Yeah I said it. They suck. I’m judging. whew. ok. yeah.
I don’t even know if I’m more comfortable calling God, Divine, Source, Universe. I have no religious attachment and Im not interested in one but I am interested in my connection with my soul, with You. With Divine alignment, where all things flow and I can feel that even in my own discomfort everything is as it should be on a divine level and I may never know that level and that’s okay. I think Divine is what I’m drawn to most. I like that. I’m going to use Divine.
I have so many tool to help myself feel better. And they work and they don’t work. Sometimes I just need to talk to You. And that’s when I remember that I have the tools I need, I can ask for help in forms of strength or compassion for myself and I can fill up my own cup from the inside. I view the cup filling as filling of my chakras. Even though I don’t have full understanding of all the chakras the medaphor that makes sense to me when I need to ask myself, “what can I do for myself right now to help myself feel better”, the chakras seems to help.
Today since I was feeling anxious and buzzy I went within and I just felt like I needed to ground down. Root chakra and Sacral chakra. I thought for sure I’d need Solar plexus and Heart since I was feeling sensations there but no, I needed the affirmation “I am safe” and ” I am Here” meaning it was okay for me to take up space. And sacral chakra “I am Safe” meaning that within my dealings with work or others, underneath anyones actions or reactions I am safe as who I am and what I’m doing because I am trying my best and I am human and fallible but even with mistakes in dealings with others, I am still safe, I am still okay, I am still loved. I think the anxiety is an issue with how I am perceiving myself in the world and those around me and whether I can take up space even being imperfect. This lack of foundational trust and faith in myself shoots up into my heart space and makes these feelings of anxiety.
I asked this anxiety for why it comes and it answered, “to help you remember your worth”. This reminder in my heart space, this blessing, reminds me that I am intrinsically worthy. Born connected to all things and all equally worthy. This blessing reminds me to stop and connect with the divine and stop putting so much pressure and attachment on the outside world.
Once I felt foundationaly grounded after focusing on my lower chakras, I noticed my heart space was easier to fill my with own connection to love. And although some of my anxiety symptoms are still there, I feel much more centered and filled with love and compassion for myself to have these experiences but still be okay, in the world and within myself.
Morning meditation. Words of the Divine. Unedited. 11/5/20
From my heart to yours,
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